Mammamel
03-14-2008, 03:31 PM
I have decided if I were to write a book about my life, this would be the title.
I was talking to a friend on chat today. She asked a bit about my life and I told her some of the things from my childhood.
It really made me think. I mean I take for granted that things do not matter. But it dawned on me to day WHY I feel that way. Then in our conversation today it came about that, when I was a child, my stuff was often taken for some one else. My bed was given to another and I got an old one. Gifts I were given I was told I could not keep and they went to another. So I never developed an attachment to stuff or a desire for a lot of it. I like stuff. I just don’t see the need to actively attain it.
I feel the same about people to a degree. People can disappear so suddenly from our lives. In thinking about it, this part of my personality comes form watching my mom die of a stroke when I was 10. She was brought back but only lived 5 more years in a nursing center. So to me when a person leaves my realm, be it my real life or PH or what ever, they are gone. I don’t fuss or worry about it. I go about my day.
My friend after we talked and she heard about my stuff, said “Poor Mel, that’s not right”. I thought about that statement. The reality of it is God was grooming me for my life now, way back then. He had a plan and He knew what skills I would need to accomplish it. He knew I would have to maintain a calm façade when things got rough. That I would have to get used to letting folks go. I would need to not be controlled by emotion.
As a child, my guardian would often tell me I was stupid. “How stupid can you be” and that sort of stuff. So I came to think of myself as stupid. I was also called selfish, shallow, and numerous other things. I learned not to let what others say about me upset me. The flip side of this is, I do not take compliments well. Don’t get me wrong it’s very nice to get an ‘atta’ girl now and then, but I really have issues with them. I finally realized, it’s because what I do, I do by nature. I don’t think twice about it. If a person needs something, tangible, emotional or what ever and I have it to give, I give it. I don’t do it for kudos, or to make others feel bad, or to get folks to look at me. I just do it because it is what needs doing.
My boss says I am too good, and I go above and beyond because it never occurs to me to do anything but that.
I think, honestly that when I do get it right, it’s not me and I don’t want praise for it, I don’t deserve praise for it. When I get it right, it’s just Christ shining through my cracks.
I was talking to a friend on chat today. She asked a bit about my life and I told her some of the things from my childhood.
It really made me think. I mean I take for granted that things do not matter. But it dawned on me to day WHY I feel that way. Then in our conversation today it came about that, when I was a child, my stuff was often taken for some one else. My bed was given to another and I got an old one. Gifts I were given I was told I could not keep and they went to another. So I never developed an attachment to stuff or a desire for a lot of it. I like stuff. I just don’t see the need to actively attain it.
I feel the same about people to a degree. People can disappear so suddenly from our lives. In thinking about it, this part of my personality comes form watching my mom die of a stroke when I was 10. She was brought back but only lived 5 more years in a nursing center. So to me when a person leaves my realm, be it my real life or PH or what ever, they are gone. I don’t fuss or worry about it. I go about my day.
My friend after we talked and she heard about my stuff, said “Poor Mel, that’s not right”. I thought about that statement. The reality of it is God was grooming me for my life now, way back then. He had a plan and He knew what skills I would need to accomplish it. He knew I would have to maintain a calm façade when things got rough. That I would have to get used to letting folks go. I would need to not be controlled by emotion.
As a child, my guardian would often tell me I was stupid. “How stupid can you be” and that sort of stuff. So I came to think of myself as stupid. I was also called selfish, shallow, and numerous other things. I learned not to let what others say about me upset me. The flip side of this is, I do not take compliments well. Don’t get me wrong it’s very nice to get an ‘atta’ girl now and then, but I really have issues with them. I finally realized, it’s because what I do, I do by nature. I don’t think twice about it. If a person needs something, tangible, emotional or what ever and I have it to give, I give it. I don’t do it for kudos, or to make others feel bad, or to get folks to look at me. I just do it because it is what needs doing.
My boss says I am too good, and I go above and beyond because it never occurs to me to do anything but that.
I think, honestly that when I do get it right, it’s not me and I don’t want praise for it, I don’t deserve praise for it. When I get it right, it’s just Christ shining through my cracks.